Dr. Shonda Lackey

Licensed NYC Psychologist & Arts Consultant | Helping Cultivate the Art of Introspection | 646.926.2198

Sex and the Single Woman

Many single women miss having sex within a committed relationship. One of the most difficult things about being a single woman can be finding healthy ways to explore your sexuality. If you can relate, here are a few suggestions:

Be safe. Protect yourself from STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Being single doesn’t mean you have to neglect your health. Know your HIV status and monitor your gynecological health.

Know your limits. You may choose to be celibate. Or, maybe you want to engage in other types of sex instead of intercourse. Perhaps you just want to make out with your clothes on. Regardless, be assertive and let your partner know your preferences and your limits. Besides knowing how far you want to go, know who you want to be sexual with. You may not have a problem having casual sex with someone you just met. On the other hand, you may decide that you’ll only get sexually involved with someone you know well.

Accept the consequences.  If you’re going to have sex with an ulterior motive, like getting a commitment, the plan is likely to backfire. Even if you get intimate in ways that don’t involve sex, make sure you can take responsibility for the choices you make.  It’s also a good idea to consider how your decisions may impact your partner if you’re not totally upfront. Make sure the two of you are on the same page.

Resolve sexual fears. Being single, without feeling pressured to have sex, can be a great time to work on any unresolved sexual issues. If you’re not making enough progress on your own, consider consulting with a psychologist that has experience helping women overcome sexual fears.

Read erotica. Indulge your fantasies. You might even get some ideas to try out when you do have a partner.

Consider sexting. Sending sexually explicit text messages (or emails) to your sexting partner can be a fun way to spice things up.  But have a clear idea of what you want to get out of the exchange. Are you looking for a sexting buddy who you’ll never meet in person? Or, do you sext with the intention of eventually acting out some of those sexting scenarios? Discuss your boundaries and be respectful of the boundaries of your sexting partner.

Explore beliefs about masturbation. Clarify your beliefs and feelings about pleasuring yourself. Besides releasing sexual tension, masturbation can help you get in touch (pun intended) with your sexual likes and dislikes. When you do find yourself with a partner, you can better communicate what feels good to you.

Being single doesn’t mean you have to ignore your sexuality. Actually, it’s a wonderful opportunity to become more confident about your sexuality. Before you expect a partner to know how to please you sexually, it might be best to figure out what you like. And when you know yourself, you’ll probably be a better lover as well.

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